FL - the end?

Again, if you need to know how this story started -
Click Here for the Beginning
and Click Here for the Middle

Now, on to the end....?

When you have a cut - as it begins to scab over, it itches (like crazy) as it heals. Then the scab forms, but the scab has to be removed in order for it to heal completely. It needs to be kept clean, and it also needs air and time.

My scabs formed on my heart.

After I kicked FL out - I tried to jump right back in the game, but that didn't work. My mental was OFF, I was still depressed, and my heart was broken. Wait, that ain't as honest as it should be. I was d-e-v-a-s-t-a-t-e-d. After all - I was the "good" girl - I did everything "right" - I treated him the way a man was "supposed" to be treated. And he - well he did what he did, and moved on like it was no big thing. He could find another woman - but I couldn't BUY a decent date - let alone relationship.

So, I became celibate. For three years. But that's a story for another blog...lol.

Meanwhile, FL tried (in his mind anyway) to get me back. He tried to get a decent job, tried to support my returning to college to finish my degree, tried to portray the image of the "decent father". Problem is, FL is a child - with selfish, childish ways. So, his efforts somehow always went awry: spiraling into irresponsibility, undependability, jealousy, self-absorption and aggression. The quick & dirty was that we always - ALWAYS ended up in some screaming match not seeing eye-to-eye about something - but particularly the parenting of our child.

Y'all ain't forget about that one, did'ja? Yes, we (FL & I) are tied together for life. So, in the midst of trying to heal - I still had to deal...with FL. I had chicken pox as a child, while on vacation - and the fact that I couldn't have fun seemed to make it itch more. This thing between FL & I itched worse than that...it was impossible. I was trying to heal, and he was rubbing (not Calamine lotion) Organic, coarse Sea Salt into my wounds.

So I cut him off, repeatedly - for 2...4...6 months - even a year. His people (friends, family) would intervene, and plea on his behalf to NOT cut him off from his child. I'd give him a reprieve, and quite frankly he'd manage to f&§¥ up again... and again... and again. Until the next time he "forgot" to pick my son up from school, or pissed off one of my son's doctors, or no-showed for his weekend visitation. Meanwhile, his inability to keep a job racked up several years of child support debt.

After some time away - I finally forgave FL. Yes, that's right - even through all of that drama - and the after-drama I knew that in order for me to heal completely, I had to forgive him, so I could move on. So I could look at him clearly, and realize that he's not a Spawn of Satan, or a dog, or put on earth for the sole purpose of torturing me. He's just a guy, with some serious problems. And also realize that all men are not like FL - not by a friggin' long shot.

...And in the process, I accepted responsibilty for the part I played in it. I chose him, remember? That day at the gas station, and everytime he pushed me to a limit that I should never have even approached - I chose him, chose to remain in the situation...and I had some accountability for that. I also realized that there was something in ME that attracted HIM. That THING had to be purged. If I wanted a decent brother - let alone the perfect specimen that I felt was my divine right - I had to be the person that the "One" would want, yanno? I had to be the image/person that I thought he'd want...I had to look at what I thought made the "One" (whomever it was) attractive, and then reflect those same qualities, yanno? I had to do some SERIOUS work on myself. I had to gather.

...And I began to grow. As I kept pulling back that scab, letting some air hit it - I healed. Went back to college, to work on my degree. Started dating again after the 3 year break, and realized that there are still decent guys amongst the many frogs in the world. I regained my self-confidence, and faith in God, in people, and in the world. Man, honestly - hindsight is something else, and I can say it took a lot of fertilizer to get me to where I am now.

And now to answer your questions: (I know you have some)

• No, FL still doesn't see his son. He needs to gather.


• No, I haven't found "The One".


• Yes, I know the "One" is out there, somewhere.


• Yes, I'm ready.


• And, Yes - FL still contacts me.
Occasionally, he leaves messages on my voicemail, to tell me he loves me. He still occasionally sends me birthday or Mother's day cards. He'll call me to tell me that I looked nice when I dropped my son off at his aunt's house. I believe that FL is sincere in that - he thinks he does love me. I also know it's impossible to love someone, anyone - when you don't love yourself. I used to pity FL - but now I know that's arrogant, and a waste of energy. I hope some day, FL will get over me, seek help for his issues, grow up and gather himself. I hope - but somehow I don't really see it happening.

• And, No - I don't love him.
I doubt now that I ever did - because I never really knew him. He was an episode...a life lesson I needed to learn. I've closed that chapter of my life, and have moved on to the next.

Last question:: Why would I write all this painful stuff, and put it out there where ANYONE can see? I hope someone out there gets something from this. I know I did.